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The summer of 2006 saw changes in the Middle East. China fired test missles, an American cheated to win the Tour de France, and Italy won the world cup. What do all these things have in common? Seemingly nothing, unless of course, you happen to be into obscure Podcasts.

Franklin Talk is a revolutionary podcast in that it features a dog, Franklin, who talks. Typically the shows cover everything from sports to current events, to Franklin’s own hopes and dreams. The show was revered by many* as an “hilarious satire on the modern world.” Some even went so far as to call it “the greatest podcast of all-time…including the future, which has yet to see many podcasts that may or may not be better than Franklin Talk. Putting me at risk of looking like a fool for saying this.” But towards the end of July in 2006, a fatal mistep sent the show on a downward spiral.

One fateful night, after returning home from a post-work celebration, Andy slipped and fell in his room. As he struggled to get up, his foot landed on his laptop bag and…well, you can guess the rest from there:

The laptop was sent away to be fixed and Andy assured both Franklin and Franklin’s listeners the show would be back up and running in no time. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

Apple took longer than necessary to repair the laptop and during this two week abscence, things started to quickly spiral downward.

Soon the loss of fame and notoriety Franklin had achieved doing Franklin Talk began to quickly dwindle. Crowds** demanded new episodes, and new episodes Franklin could not provide. Things took a turn for the worse. The following is photographic evidence chronicling Franklin’s plummet into the seedy underbelly of Miami:

Notice he is sticking his tongue out. Franklin often does this to cool off, or, mock those he doesn’t agree with or understand. This is normal Franklin behavior. Day 3.

Then things started to take a turn for the worse…

Notice Franklin’s sudden concern and suspicious glance. It was at this time his paranoid behavior was thought to be indicative of a serious cocaine problem. day 5.

Then all hell breaks loose…

Notice the white powder located on the tip of Franklin’s nose. Day 9

Several cocaine binges later and countless trips to the pound, and Franklin was on his way out with the American public. Things finally came to boiling point when this photo was leaked to the AP:

It was captured minutes before Franklin assaulted this duck, believed to be his cocaine supplier. You can see the duck’s habitat is full of garbage like a true junky’s, and perimetered by a thick chain for security from would-be attackers. Also, if you look carefully, you can see in the duck’s eye’s a look of terrified recognition…as if to say, “quack.”

The question remains: Will Franklin be able to pull himself out of his slump? Will he be able to make amends with his listeners and the rest of America? Only time will tell.

Rumors indicate that Franklin Talk will be back up and available for download with a new episode soon. Let’s just hope that the same level of professionalism, and the high quality content won’t suffer due to Franklin’s reckless lifestyle the past few weeks.

*few
**Well, Matt and Tiff.

In my ever continuing quest to bring down all things I deem musically deficient I’ve found, perhaps, the most hilarious thing I have ever read. Yes, apparently the musically gifted Paris Hilton is moved to tears by her own music – that’s how good it is:

“I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.”

Really? Because I, like, jam forks into my ears just to try and ease the pain of hearing even a fragment of this “song.” I mean sure, I cry too, but when I cry it’s for the souls of the one thousand puppies whose souls are eaten by Paris Hilton in order to fuel her massive ego and self delusions of talent.

Then Paris goes on to describe typical crowd reaction to the song:

“People go crazy. They love it. Everyone’s like, ‘Who is this?’ I don’t tell. Because I don’t want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it. I think when people don’t know it’s me, they won’t judge it. But if they know it’s me, then they’ll be like, ‘Ugh.’ They won’t even dance.”

Yeah…right. The reason no one knows who it is lies in the fact that the “vocal” is so over auto-tuned that the voice could be the same one as the one on my computer that tells the time every hour. And she needn’t to worry about people recording it on their phone. I can’t even think of a stupid person that would want this as a ring tone…well, except maybe for Paris. But even then, that’d just mean she’s breaking out in tears every time her phone rings. And there’s nothing more embarassing than constantly breaking out in tears…oh wait.

Sometimes I wish I were rich and powerful solely for the fact that I would have the access and be important enough that I’d get to meet celebrities and tell them how stupid and terrible they are:

Andy: Hello, Paris Hilton?

Paris: Yes?

Andy: This is Andy. I really like your new single.

Paris: Really?

Andy: No. HAHAHAAHAHAHA. But seriously, I do.

Paris: Oh, I thought you were serious th-

Andy: PSYCHE! Honestly it is the biggest piece of garbage I’ve ever heard. But you might be able to go on tour with Kevin Federline. You two deserve each other. Pee in any Taxis lately?

Paris: Well, like, I totally peed on an upper-middleclass person the other day. Because he wasn’t as rich as me.

Andy: Your dad’s hotels suck.

Paris: Your blog sucks.

Andy: My blog is awesome and hilarious.

Paris: Touche Andy, Touche.

Andy: Right. Well, I’d love to stay and chat but (doing obi-wan kenobi voice) you have to go kill yourself now.

Paris: I have to go kill myself now.

Andy: G’bye Paris…FOREVER!

K Fed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I’m officially the worst “musician” ever!

Did I mention I really want to have Jedi Powers too? No? Oh. Well I do.

Hey, hey there buddy. How’s it going? I hope you’re doing well. No, no I don’t think we’ve met – I’d certainly remember. Anyway listen I just wanted to express a concern I’ve had lately. Well, you see, I’m a site-meter junkie. I chronically check it just like email or MySpace or my other email or my blog comments or Engadget Mobile.*

Anyway, I’ve noticed you’ve been stopping by a lot. You’re spending a lot of time going through my relatively poor posts and reading up on my ridiculous stories and dialouges. I appreciate that, I really do. But I can’t help but think that, being the head of a multi-million dollar clothing corporation, your time would be better spent…oh I don’t know, coming up with more ways to put guys on horses onto shirts.

Maybe you can come up with longer collars, extra buttons, or, you know what? If you like my blog so much, maybe you could dedicate a clothing line to me somehow. Instead of a man on a horse playing some fru-fru horse-sport, why not the silhouette of me? Just sort of standing there and waving. Or maybe with my hands in my pockets.

Are you feeling a little lonely? I care about you Ralph. Don’t waste away sitting at your computer all day. The love you’ll receive from my blog isn’t worth it; it comes at too high a price. If you just need a friend you can email me, maybe we can catch a ball game and have some hot dogs. I know what it’s like to be lonely in a big city Mr. Lauren, but, well spending 3 hours on my blog looking at almost 20 pages…you must be deeply depressed.

Look at the very least go out, get some sun on your face, some wind in your hair. I know your kids are really stupid and annoying but reading blogs about Jesus selling Lime-Bars all day isn’t going to solve your problems. Maybe you could even play some polo. Whatever makes you smile, that’s what I want to see you do.

Anyway buddy, I hope things are okay. Good luck with the ol’ needle and thread.

*Yes, still waiting for a new phone…yes, still a huge nerd.