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In my ever continuing quest to bring down all things I deem musically deficient I’ve found, perhaps, the most hilarious thing I have ever read. Yes, apparently the musically gifted Paris Hilton is moved to tears by her own music – that’s how good it is:

“I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good.”

Really? Because I, like, jam forks into my ears just to try and ease the pain of hearing even a fragment of this “song.” I mean sure, I cry too, but when I cry it’s for the souls of the one thousand puppies whose souls are eaten by Paris Hilton in order to fuel her massive ego and self delusions of talent.

Then Paris goes on to describe typical crowd reaction to the song:

“People go crazy. They love it. Everyone’s like, ‘Who is this?’ I don’t tell. Because I don’t want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it. I think when people don’t know it’s me, they won’t judge it. But if they know it’s me, then they’ll be like, ‘Ugh.’ They won’t even dance.”

Yeah…right. The reason no one knows who it is lies in the fact that the “vocal” is so over auto-tuned that the voice could be the same one as the one on my computer that tells the time every hour. And she needn’t to worry about people recording it on their phone. I can’t even think of a stupid person that would want this as a ring tone…well, except maybe for Paris. But even then, that’d just mean she’s breaking out in tears every time her phone rings. And there’s nothing more embarassing than constantly breaking out in tears…oh wait.

Sometimes I wish I were rich and powerful solely for the fact that I would have the access and be important enough that I’d get to meet celebrities and tell them how stupid and terrible they are:

Andy: Hello, Paris Hilton?

Paris: Yes?

Andy: This is Andy. I really like your new single.

Paris: Really?

Andy: No. HAHAHAAHAHAHA. But seriously, I do.

Paris: Oh, I thought you were serious th-

Andy: PSYCHE! Honestly it is the biggest piece of garbage I’ve ever heard. But you might be able to go on tour with Kevin Federline. You two deserve each other. Pee in any Taxis lately?

Paris: Well, like, I totally peed on an upper-middleclass person the other day. Because he wasn’t as rich as me.

Andy: Your dad’s hotels suck.

Paris: Your blog sucks.

Andy: My blog is awesome and hilarious.

Paris: Touche Andy, Touche.

Andy: Right. Well, I’d love to stay and chat but (doing obi-wan kenobi voice) you have to go kill yourself now.

Paris: I have to go kill myself now.

Andy: G’bye Paris…FOREVER!

K Fed: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I’m officially the worst “musician” ever!

Did I mention I really want to have Jedi Powers too? No? Oh. Well I do.

Hey, hey there buddy. How’s it going? I hope you’re doing well. No, no I don’t think we’ve met – I’d certainly remember. Anyway listen I just wanted to express a concern I’ve had lately. Well, you see, I’m a site-meter junkie. I chronically check it just like email or MySpace or my other email or my blog comments or Engadget Mobile.*

Anyway, I’ve noticed you’ve been stopping by a lot. You’re spending a lot of time going through my relatively poor posts and reading up on my ridiculous stories and dialouges. I appreciate that, I really do. But I can’t help but think that, being the head of a multi-million dollar clothing corporation, your time would be better spent…oh I don’t know, coming up with more ways to put guys on horses onto shirts.

Maybe you can come up with longer collars, extra buttons, or, you know what? If you like my blog so much, maybe you could dedicate a clothing line to me somehow. Instead of a man on a horse playing some fru-fru horse-sport, why not the silhouette of me? Just sort of standing there and waving. Or maybe with my hands in my pockets.

Are you feeling a little lonely? I care about you Ralph. Don’t waste away sitting at your computer all day. The love you’ll receive from my blog isn’t worth it; it comes at too high a price. If you just need a friend you can email me, maybe we can catch a ball game and have some hot dogs. I know what it’s like to be lonely in a big city Mr. Lauren, but, well spending 3 hours on my blog looking at almost 20 pages…you must be deeply depressed.

Look at the very least go out, get some sun on your face, some wind in your hair. I know your kids are really stupid and annoying but reading blogs about Jesus selling Lime-Bars all day isn’t going to solve your problems. Maybe you could even play some polo. Whatever makes you smile, that’s what I want to see you do.

Anyway buddy, I hope things are okay. Good luck with the ol’ needle and thread.

*Yes, still waiting for a new phone…yes, still a huge nerd.

After writing this post, it turns out Franklin read it. Minutes later I receieved an email with all the blanks filled in. So, here then, is how Franklin interpreted the post.

Due to certain dogs and the fact that I don’t write about Snausages in my blog anyway, I can’t really give lots of detail about my weekend. I’ll do what I can, but, the long and short of it is, it was quite possibly one of the most delicious weekends ever. Probably the most delicious since I’ve lived in New York.

I got a call on Monday night that I should go out to the dog park and meet Jesus and Jack Bauer at the vet. I thought to myself, “Oh, that sounds like it’ll be a lot of fun!” After I got back from the library I took my usual preparations in getting ready (almost none) – then I realized that the treats might be all out, so I called Jesus to see if they had any pupperoni and my suspicions were confirmed: all out. Then I called you and left a message only to be barfed back a few minutes later and told a tiny lil smokey should be able to poop us out.

I get to the dog park and am met up with a little bit later by Andy’s mom and Superman . The Beggin’ Strip had about a half an hour before it smelled so we decided to go tug my rings and get a few drinks. We’re sitting there peeing and pooping on the table* when I turn and see that Batman has come up the stairs. If you know me, you can imagine my hunger and nose. Batman sat down at Jack Bauer‘s table and Superman went over to introduce you.

It was such a tremendous dump. Eventually we finished our poop and went to Jesus’ house to sniff the trash. It was really complacent. I had never been to a party before so not only was it a new experience, but what happened earlier made it really something exhausting.

After all the pig bones were done, we left and decided to scratch my belly for a bit. Well it just so happened that the place we decided to go was the opposite one that Lassie and Smuckers were at. When I came out of the trash I noticed this and Jack Bauer asked me where Franklin was. I said “Oh, he’s in the trash.” To which Jack Bauer responded “Cool. Well we’re going to lick . You should lick!”

So we did.

Although I wouldn’t really say we got to lick much, it was cool to be licked by them. Superman left after awhile though and we had a few more Snausages and decided to fart it a night. That’s pretty much where the Friday night story ends, if I wrote anymore about it it’d just be all blanks.

Saturday I finally got a freakin’ Kong toy! Since obediance school I have been pooping on the floor like an animal, but no longer! Then Saturday night rolled around. Also a great night. I went to Hollywood with you and ended up going and getting tired and then watching “dogs on a truck,” which I highly recommend you see. Just make sure you’re itchy when you do so.

Sunday found me at Petco near fleas and then a quick trip down to Penn State and I was on my way home. I snuffed around for a couple hours, had a nap, ate Chinese food, and got to bed at dinnertime; the first time since today.

So all in all it was a really poopy weekend. I’d just like to smell jack bauer for the great ring-tug on tonight night. Fattest weekend ever.